Don't Ever Look Back
by magenwashere
Summary: Epic Matchel. This sort of tells the story of why Matt had to switch schools, and hpw he and Rachel got together right in the middle of it. RR, enjoy.
1. Starting

**Author Rant (AR): This was written because of my terrible ANGSTY TEARS OF TERRIBLE HORRIBLE HORRIBLENESS feelings that I have had, because I have found out that (AWFUL SPOILER ALERT, AVERT THINE EYES!) Dijon Talton aka Matt Rutherford is no longer on Glee. I cried for hours. I am inconsolable. Please expect many, many fics about Rachel/Matt in the very near future. They are now my OTP. *goes off to cry alone…***

**AN: Now, for the story. This is my very dramatized version of why Matt had to change schools. Epic Matchel/Berryford. Will be and estimated five to six chapters. **

"Matt, can I sit with you?" Rachel asked softly. Matt looked around the bus and saw Finn staring out the window of his seat, looking upset, while everyone else had paired up to leave only Rachel and Matt in seats of their own. "I just don't...I don't want to be alone." she looked afraid that he would get angry, or be mean. Matt wouldn't do that to her, not after everything that had happened that day. Losing Regional's, Beth being born and being given to Rachel's mom...he just couldn't be mean to her. Not that he ever had been, but still. They'd become friends over the last few months. He owed it to her.

"Sure, Rach." he slid over so he had his back against the window. "C'mon." She sat down and slid next to him, not fully touching, but still close. Matt closed his eyes and went to sleep.

He woke up an hour later when the bus hit a huge pothole and jolted. He looked over at Rachel, who was still awake and...wiping her cheeks?

"Rachel, are you crying?"

"No." Matt sighed, and wrapped his arm around her.

"C'mon, tell me what's wrong babe. Besides, you know, losing." she looked surprised that he was talking to her, and he sighed inwardly. _She really doesn't have any friends, does she?_ He pulled her closer, so her cheek rested against his chest, his chin resting on the top of her head.

"Finn told me he loved me. Then I basically begged my mother to love me and stay with me and she said no. And earlier, I found out that she adopted Beth after that." she started crying again. "Then I told Finn I didn't love him like he loved me, and he's upset. I don't know what to do. It seems like..." she sniffled and shook her head.

"What? What does it seem like?" He rubbed her back, gently. "You can tell me Rachel. It's okay."

"It seems like everyone's leaving me. My mom, Finn, and my dads are hardly ever home. And now that Glee club is over, I won't have any of you. But then again, I didn't really have any of you in the first place."

"It's okay. Everything will be fine Rachel, you'll see."

"How do you know?"

"I don't. Not for sure. But I do know that you've got me now, if you need to talk." she looked up at him then, their faces close.

"Why?"

"Because...because we all need friends, and I want you, the Great Rachel Berry, to be mine." He ignored the double meaning in his words, and focused on her face. She looked hopeful, but wary at the same time.

"You up for it?" he asked quietly.

"Yes." She snuggled closer and he settled against her, both lonely teenagers falling asleep quickly.

**

* * *

**

After Mr. Shuester dismissed them to their cars, Matt saw his dad's car in the parking lot. Sighing, he walked over to the drivers side, shoulders slumped.

"I thought Mama was picking me up." His father jerked awake and burped loudly. Devon Rutherford was a sloppy, loud, and annoying drunk.

"She said she was but then she laid down and I didn't want to wake her up, so here I am buddy!" Matt hadn't been called buddy since her was ten. Now, his father only called him that when he was drunk.

"C'mon dad, get out. Let me drive." There was no way in hell Matt was letting him drive them home while he was drunk.

"Okay." He struggled to get out and when he did he tripped. "Help your old man out sonny." Yet another name he was only called when his dad was drunk. He helped him get to the passengers side where his dad proceeded to vomit, hacking and coughing.

"You done now?" his dad nodded. "Let's go home."

He settled his dad in the passenger seat, and walked around the other side. As he turned, he saw a small figure standing next to a car.

Rachel.

"Are you okay Matt?" she asked quietly, but it echoed across the empty parking lot.

"Yeah, Rach. I'm good." He was lying and she knew it, but she didn't say anything else.

She just watched him drive away.

* * *

Matt sat alone backstage after the Glee club's "To Sir With Love" tribute to Mr. Shue. Their last performance together.

What it Finn had said about not having a father until Glee Club had hit Matt hard. The sad fact was, that it was true for at least half of the club. Matt, Puck, Santana, Finn, Quinn, Britney and Rachel. Matt's dad was a drunk, Puck's dad was MIA (had been since he was nine), Santana's dad was always away on business (and very strict, which was probably why she acted out so much), Finn's dad was dead, Quinn's dad kicked her out and cheated on her mom, Britney lived with her grandparents (she'd never told any of them about her parents, and they'd never asked), and Rachel's dads were...extreme to say the least (worse than her). Kurt's dad was nice to all of them, and Artie's dad carpooled Puck's sister, Norah, and Matt's brother and sister, Rashad and Livvy, when he went to pick up Artie's sister, Annie.

They were great. But they didn't fill the 'Dad' spot the way Mr. Shue did. And now, they wouldn't have anyone to fill it.

As he stood up, wiping his eyes, (ignnoring the few tears that had gathered there) he felt a small hand on his back.

"Matt..."

"There has to be something we can do Rachel. It can't end like this. It just can't."

"I understand."

"I can't lose you guys. You're my family." Rachel wrapped her arms around him from behind, he cheek resting against his back. Her hands were on his stomach, rubbing gently.

"I _need _you guys, I _need _Glee. I can't stay at my house with my parents, I just can't." He shook his head. "There has to be _something _we can do."

"I don't know Matt. I just don't know." Her arms tightened around him. "It will be alright. Really. We just have to wait."

"I'm tired of waiting for things to get better." he said fiercely. "I'm tired of being patient, I'm tired of being strong." They both knew he wasn't talking about glee club.

"I'm tired of not being good enough." He felt her tense up, before slowly relaxing.

"You are good enough." _More than good enough, you are amazing_.

"I'm sorry Matt." _About your dad. About everything._

"Why?" When she didn't answer, he knew. "You saw my dad, didn't you? The other night?"

"...yes."

He sighed. "Though so."

"I didn't mean to eavesdrop. I heard him yelling and I was worried."

Matt was quiet for a long time. So long, Rachel began to pull away, but he stopped her by turning around and pulling her against his chest. She snuggled her face into his chest.

"My dad's an alcoholic. He's not abusive or anything, at least not physically. He's a Marine, came home Afghanistan six months ago." Right around the time they'd become friends. "Since then he's been drinking more and more. It's like he has no limit. My mom doesn't know what to do, I don't know what to do. There's nothing I can do really, except make sure the kids don't see it or know about it. But there's only so much I can protect them from."

He looked down at her, meeting her eyes.

"I'm tired, Rach. So tired."

"Matt..."

"I don't even know why I'm telling you this. You're just...different, I guess. It's easy to tell you things because I know you'll listen."

She smiled, and pulled away. When he looked confused, she held her hand out.

"Come on. School's almost over." He nodded, grasping her hand, holding it firmly. They walked like that together, through the hallways of the school, oblivious to the students of McKinley staring open mouthed.

"You need a ride, babe?" Matt asked.

"A ride would be great, Matthew, thank you." Rachel's smile was big.


	2. Good in the Middle

**AN: Sorry if parts of this seem out of place. It seems like that because, well, they are. They were meant to be two chapters, but the first one was too short, and it seemed better with both of them together. Hope you enjoy anyway! R+R, please. **

The first time Rachel came to Matt's house, his parents weren't home, and he was stuck with two hyper children and a screaming baby. His next to youngest brother, Rashad, was running around with his clothes off, and he was in the middle of changing the baby's diaper.

Opening the door, he let a frustrated "What?"

"…M-matt?" Rachel stuttered. She looked like she'd been crying, as well as completely exhausted.

"Rachel?" He said, softer. "What's wrong?" He led her inside. The twins, miraculously, stopped screaming, while the poor baby still lay on the changing table, diaper hanging open.

"I'm sorry, Matt. I shouldn't have just barged in like this. I wanted to leave, and after I did, I realized I didn't have anywhere to go. You lived closest…" she trailed off, omitting the fact that Kurt and Puck lived closer to her than he did. He didn't mention it either.

"No, it's okay. It's kinda crazy right now, though, so enter at your own risk." She sniffled, and followed him upstairs to the nursery.

"Let me put him and the kids to bed, and we'll talk."

"Okay." She sat on his bed, which connected to the nursery, and watched him finish changing the baby's diaper. He hummed softly while setting the now clean baby into his crib, before backing up quietly and shutting the door. He winks at her, and softly calls out for the other two to get in bed.

_He really loves his family. _

When he comes back, she has stopped crying completely and is looking around his room. She looked small, sitting on his queen sized bed, practically engulfed with pillows and blankets. He sat beside her, cross legged.

"So, what's up? You seemed pretty upset."

"It was nothing really, just me overreacting, I-"

"Rachel, don't lie to me." He cut her off. "Tell me the truth."

She sighed softly. "My mother called. Ms. Corcoran. She wanted to talk, and I thought it would be about getting to know each other or something, but it wasn't."

He said nothing, nodding for her to continue.

"It was basically an hour of her saying why she can't be my mother, and telling me it's not my fault that she doesn't want to be a mom to a sixteen year old."

"I'm sorry, babe. She doesn't know what she's missing." Matt hugged her.

"But what if it is my fault?" she asked into his chest. "I know that everyone is always telling me I'm crazy, and too much to handle, and maybe it's true! I'm so hard to handle, my own mother doesn't want me!"

"Rachel, that's not true. Yeah, you're a bit much sometimes, but honestly? That's what makes you great. You care about everyone so much that you'll go to extreme lengths to make sure we're all okay, and we love you for it. At least I do."

She looked up, surprised, and he quickly continued.

"You know, as a friend. A really good friend."

_But really good friends don't look at me the way you do_, Rachel thought.

Good friends don't stare to long, they don't 'accidentally' touch all the time, and those touches don't linger. There's nothing 'just friends' about them, and they both knew it. Now it was just who would crack first.

* * *

"We've got another year." That was probably the best sentence Matt had heard in a long time. Rachel hugged him close and he spun her around.

As they walked to his car after school, she was still hyper and excited, rambling on and on about what songs they should do for next year, and all he could think about was how beautiful she was. She turned to look at him, leaning against the car, and all of a sudden they were both thinking the same thing.

_Come here and kiss me. _

He wrapped his arms around her waist, and she wrapped hers around his neck. They kissed and kissed and kissed until a bark of laughter broke them apart.

"I knew it!" Puck exclaimed, grinning widely. "I _so _won this bet! This'll teach Santana to bet against the Puckster!"

"What?" Matt and Rachel said at the same time.

"Uh." Puck looked nervous. "Nothing! Go make out again and ignore me!" With that he walked away, quickly, as if Santana herself was chasing after him.

They shook their heads, and went back to kissing, because, sometimes, Puck was right. And they had a lot of time to make up for…

* * *

Every day, Matt does the same thing. He gets up, gets in the shower, cleans himself up, etc, before getting his brothers and sister up to go to day care. Then he stops by Rachel's house, where he kisses her, eats breakfast with her and her dads, before leaving and going to work. He works at a swimming pool as a lifeguard.

Needless to say, Rachel has visited the pool more this summer than she has all the summers of her life combined. (Even though she has an in ground pool in her back yard…)

He gets off work around 3:00, goes by the daycare to pick up his siblings, drops them off at home, and, until curfew, spends the entire night with Rachel. Sometimes he stops and thinks about how domestic they are, and wonders if it should freak him out. Because it doesn't. He really wants to spend every waking moment (and the sleeping ones) with Rachel. If he could, he would find a way to keep her with him or around him, all the time.

Sometimes when she's not around, he gets a little stressed out, like he can only be calm and relaxed when she's around. This doesn't make any sense, because Rachel is Rachel, and Rachel is intense. But he doesn't mind. She's perfect for him, and she knows it.

He was watching a movie with her one day, lying on the couch with her, playing with her hair. He wasn't really paying attention because he watching her watch the TV screen intently. But there was one part that caught his attention, something about the teenagers being co-dependant on each other. They really couldn't be away from each other, or they'd have some kind of spaz attack. (Not in a funny way. In a scary way that made him pull Rachel a little closer.)

It got him thinking that maybe he was becoming co-dependant on Rachel. His entire world revolves around her, and as a teenage male, that level of commitment should freak him out. It has with other girls he's dated, but for some reason the thought of growing up and marrying Rachel someday doesn't freak him out at all. He knows they've only been dating for three months, but it feels like more than that. Like now, they're on his bed (the door is open so his mom can see. His dad isn't home) and she's asleep in his arms.

He knows that in a few minutes, she'll wake up and immediately reach for him. (he always has to make sure he's there when she wakes up, but he doesn't know that she's terrified of waking up to find him gone.) He'll reassure her, she'll go back to sleep and sleep without waking up, the sleep of someone who knows they're safe.

She shifts in her sleep, and murmurs, reaching out her hand. He takes it, and tightens his hold on her, just a little. Just enough to feel their hearts beat together.

"Go to back to sleep baby. It's okay, I'm here."

* * *

She'd noticed that lately, as in the past few days, he'd been anxious and exhausted. He was snappish and sometimes even rude to her when she asked him if he was okay, which got her worried, because Matt was a calm person. It took a lot to get him annoyed, let alone frustrated.

Then one day he just blew.

"I can't do this anymore. I just can't." He sagged in his seat, hands loose on the steering wheel.

"W-what, do you mean?" she asked, terrified that he was breaking up with her. His eyes softened, knowing exactly what she was thinking.

"Baby." He sighed, reaching his hand out to hold hers firmly. "It's not us. You are the best thing about me, and I couldn't handle not having you around. It's just…" his voice broke.

"What?" she asked, her voice stronger now.

"It's my dad." When he said that, she knew, that no matter how he'd acted in the past few months, he had been dealing with this alone, taking on so much to keep his siblings unaware. And now he was breaking.

"I don't know what to do anymore, Rachel. I can't deal with it anymore. It's been crushing on me, like a weight, and I can't move it or make it go away. He's not going to stop drinking." Matt said brokenly. "He doesn't love us enough to even try, and I don't know how to keep pretending like nothings wrong, because everything is wrong."

Rachel had never felt so completely useless in her entire life.

"I'm sorry Matt. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I wish I could do something." She said, a little desperately.

"What you're doing right now is good. Just sitting here, listening to me." She moved across the seat to hold him, his face in her neck.

"Has your mom said anything?"

"Same thing she always says. 'We've got to leave' and 'I can't take this anymore', like usual. But she won't tell anyone, not even my grandparents."

"Could they do something?"

"Yeah. We'd probably have to live with them though."

"Where do they live?" She asked

"… Cleveland." Hours away from her. "I'm not saying it's a definite thing, but if something doesn't change soon, I'm taking Rashad, Livy, and Cole with me, and we're heading to my grandparents house." He pulled away, and looked at her, completely honest.

"You do what you have to Matt. I'll support you, no matter what." _Because_ _I love you_, but she didn't say that.

And the countdown was on.

* * *

Matt stood on Shelby Corcoran's front door and knocked heavily. When the door opened, he unfolded his arms to hang by his sides and put on a calm face.

"May I help you?" Shelby asked.

"As a matter of fact, Miss. Corcoran, you can. You can stop playing with Rachel."

He ignored her shocked look, and continued. "I need you to leave her alone. Stop calling her, stop coming to her house, and stop messing with her mind. All you're doing is hurting her."

"Who do you think you are, coming to my house, and-"

"I'm Rachel's boyfriend, Matt. You would know that if you actually got to know her. You'd know how vulnerable she really is. How she's so afraid of rejection."

"Excuse me, I haven't been hurting her intentionally, I just-"

"Plus you adopted Beth. How do you think that makes Rachel feel?"

"I explained to her that I wanted a family-"

"But, apparently, not a family with her."

"I do, I just can't be what she needs, and I've been trying to tell her that, but I don't think she understands."

"Please, _please_, tell me you are not trying to justify being a shitty parent to me. Because I already know what that is. Look, I know you don't think you can be a mom to a sixteen year old, and I get it. Really," he said, softening his voice. "I understand. But you've got to stop jumping into her life whenever you feel guilty. You're messing her up, every time you come back. Eventually, she'll start to hate you." he said clearly. Shelby saw the truth in his eyes as he spoke.

"She loves you, and I know you love her. That's why you need to let her be, unless you're ready to be there for her on a permanent basis. But if you're not ready, then don't hurt her, or you, anymore."

"I want her to be happy. I just don't know how to do that." She sighed. "I don't want her to be alone." The implied, _Like I was, _did not go unnoticed by Matt.

"She's not. She's got her dad's. She's got Glee Club. And she's got me. And I'd do anything for her, including talk to her estranged mother." They both laughed a little.

Shelby sighed then, and decided to speak honestly with her daughters boyfriend.

"I don't want Rachel to hate Beth. And with the way I've handled things, I'm pretty sure she already does."

"Rachel's not that kind of person. You know Beth's birth father? Noah Puckerman? He's Rachel's ex-boyfriend, and one of her closest friends. And Beth's birth mom, Quinn? She's also close friends with Rachel. So Rachel already loved Beth, because they did. And now she loves her even more, because now she's her sister."

"How do you know?"

He laughed. "She told me. Rachel talks...a lot. And she doesn't leave anything out. She talks to you like it's the last time she's ever going to." They laughed again.

"Well, I'd better get going. Me and Rach are-um." he cut himself off, unsure if he should continue.

"Do you guys have a date tonight?" Shelby asked with a smile.

"Yeah. We go dancing every Wednesday at this club that I found a few years ago."

"Well, you guys have fun, but don't keep her out too late, okay?" Shelby says seriously.

"See?"

"What?"

"That was totally a "My sixteen year old daughter has a boyfriend" type thing to say." he waved, and walked back to his car.

_Well, that went okay. I hope Rachel doesn't find out..._


	3. Times, they are a changin'

**AN: I know it's been so long since I've updated, but my computer has gone through several epic crashes. So I'm sorry, but updates will be slow, because now I have to write and submit from my second period computer class. Risking getting caught and possibly suspended, all for you! :D**

**And also, my computer is in rehab for the next two weeks, so I don't know when I'll get to update regularly. **

**I'm sorry it's so short! **

"Why did you go to my mother's house?" Rachel asked, her voice soft. _Scarily _soft.

_Shit._

"I, ah, well babe I-"

"Think, long and hard, before you answer Matthew."

He sighed. "I went to see her, so I could tell her to back off. It's no big deal, baby, we didn't fight or yell-"

"But you didn't tell me. This is important. How can I trust you if you keep things like this from me?" She interrupted.

"How can I trust you when you don't tell me that you miss your mom? Or that you're upset and you need me? You never tell me these things, Rachel; I always have to ask first. Even then, most of the time I have to guess, or worse, ask your dads, and they never know."

"That's not true!"

"Yes. It is. And I get it, I do. But you've got to start trusting me! We've been together for almost four months, and as far as high school goes, that's fairly normal. But I don't want to be your boyfriend for just a few months, or a year. I want to be more than that, for far longer." He looked at her intensely, holding her hand tightly in his.

"Matt, I don't _try _to hide things, I just…" she sighed, and wrapped her arms around his waist. "Talking about my mom just gets me so angry, and I clam up, even thought I know I shouldn't. It's not her fault she didn't want me."

"It's not yours either."

They kissed, and the fight was forgotten for now.

* * *

A week later, everything would change.

"Rachel, I need to tell you something." He looked uneasy, and upset.

"What is it?" She asked, worried.

"I'm moving."

* * *

Matt's grandfather, Damon, had found out about his son-in-laws alcohol problems, and how awful things had been for a long time. Needless to say, he was furious, and forced Devon to leave Matt's house, so he could move them out. Devon would keep the house, while Matt, his mom, and his siblings would live with his grandparents in their huge house.

Rachel took the new better than Matt thought she would. She helped Matt's mother, Julia, make lists about what they were taking, what they were leaving, and she organized the moving boxes.

It wasn't until the night before, that he knew the truth.

They were laying on the floor in one of those couples sleeping bags in Matt's soon to be old room. Her head was on his chest, and his arms were around her.

"Rachel…if I ask you a question, will you tell me the truth, no matter how you think it will make me feel?"

"Of course."

"…How do you really feel about me moving?" She remained quiet for a few moments, obviously thinking about her answer.

"I know that you have to go. It's better for you and your family if you do, and you'll be happier. But...I don't want you to go. I wish there was a way you could stay."

"Why didn't you tell me, babe?" He sighed, stroking her hair reassuringly.

"I didn't want you to worry. This past week you've been so stressed about packing everything, and enrolling in school, plus telling the glee club that you won't be back this year. It's not a big deal; I just…wish you didn't have to leave."

"I know baby. I know." He kissed the top of her head, and they lay quiet for a while, until Rachel looked up at him.

"Matt, you know that I didn't lose my virginity to Jesse right?"

"…yes."

"Well, I was wondering…"

"Yes."


End file.
